EQ with Lou

What fears have you overcome and how?

I actually lived in fear for a very long time. It’s kind of maniacal when I think about how something I couldn’t see or something that had not happened yet kept me bound in chains that I also could not see. It felt like they were squeezing the life out of me! With each passing moment the chains became tighter and tighter until I was so restricted I dared not to move in any direction. It wasn’t until much later that I learned what I feared was actually something I had to learn.

When I tell you that I was afraid of so much that I’m not sure I can even list them all, please know that I’m NOT simply being dramatic. My brain had yet to mature- to survive- to evolve to the state that I could differentiate between and a real and a perceived threat. In a simple level what I’ve just described is the pathophysiology that occurs in our brains during traumatic experiences. Our brains were divinely designed to keep us safe.

Yes, if you’re breathing while you’re reading this post, then your brain is doing its job. Take just a moment & recall the last time that you experienced something frightening or maybe something startled you- your body likely jumped right? Well, it ONLY jumped because your brain recognized a potential threat and released a signal through your neurons to communicate to your body the command to release a surge of adrenaline therefore providing the immediate survival chemicals to either fight, flee, or fawn.

So, you might understand now that some of what is happening during a fear response is involuntary or out of your control. The point is that I was living this way essentially all the time. However, one time stands out and that was the fear of taking my board exam to become a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner.

The reason I was so consumed by fear was that I have historically been a poor test taker. It always seemed like I could find a rationale for at least any answer other than the right answer. This was in part because of how my brain is wired and in part because of my overthinking. Yeah, that’s right, I’d think myself right out of the right answer.

This is when I first noticed this issue, or maybe it was the first time that it mattered to me. In 2005, I completed my certificate in practical nursing program. I did well in the program and graduated with honors. However, I was so scared to take the test that I never sat for the exam. Yeah, sometimes fear can leave you paralyzed and that’s exactly what it had done to me. Several years later I found myself graduating with an associate’s degree in nursing. This meant that I would have to sit through a potentially four-hour exam and there were only two options. Pass or fail. Somehow my brain remained fixated on the fact that I would fail long before I ever sat for the exam. I recognized that I was deeply disconcerted and found my brain was cultivating an atmosphere conducive to fear. Yes, that’s right, my brain was preparing for the failure before I ever sat down for the exam.

What is the outcome your brain is cultivating? Success? Failure? Apathy?

Let me be real candid here. Do you think I was actually afraid of the test, or more so afraid of failing the test? If you guessed failure, you’re correct. I ended up studying so rigorously and so disciplined that I over prepared. I created a schedule with specific practice tests to take when, when to review the previous material, and when to eat and rest. All in all, that was a difficult time in my life as a brand-new young mother just looking to provide! Turns out, after I passed question number 73 it asked me if I wanted to take a break. I remember sitting there thinking about all the “what ifs” that hadn’t even occurred yet…I almost got stuck. I remembered one of my professors taught us the following phrase for test taking: “If your butt gets numb, your brain gets dumb”. In other words, if you’ve been sitting for a long time, you’ll like to lose your mental clarity.

Yeah, I answered two more questions, and the computer screen went completely black!

This created a familiar feeling of dread. Either I had passed, or I had failed. Turns out I had been successful despite being scared. Was it because my brain KNEW I needed the career to survive? Or was it just beautifully & divinely orchestrated? As if nursing school wasn’t hard enough, we had to endure days of waiting for the results. Five years later I sat for the big one- my advance nursing practice degree- DNP, PMHNP-BC, which was especially scary.

How did I do it?

I arrived at the testing site the day before my exam. I previewed the location to reduce anxiety about getting lost before the test. I did NOTHING but rest, eat, and pray the night before. I relaxed, soaked in a hot bath, and when I arrived at the testing site, I was as ready. Turns out, I was not the only person who was nervous. Walking into the testing site, I took off my glasses and they checked for fingerprints and looked on the inside of my glasses to see if I had recorded answers. I remember thinking how crazy that was because if I had the skills to do that, I would likely have chosen the CIA or some other highly technical field. They scrutinized me from head to toe, and I understood how the fish that live in aquariums must feel. I sat down at the test with my one piece of dry erase board 12″ x 12″ and began taking the test. Every time I felt my brain starting to return to the place of panic and potential failure, I reminded myself that “if I was called to it, I would be equipped to complete it”. If you remember nothing else from this- please remember that! I finished the test and sat there. In a line of cubicles with 9 other people taking various other exams. Passed. It flashed on my screen in the tiniest letters. What I felt though was a relief! I felt like confetti, balloons, cake, and like I’d just accomplished the biggest feat ever.

So, what do you do with this information? What did I do? I added it to my inner narrative. Preparation is Key, but purpose matters more. Knowing that I had been called to this field of service provided me with the courage to “do it afraid” in the words of Coach Niki Perry. It allowed me to face something difficult and overcome it. It allowed me to faithfully persevere at one of the most difficult exams I had ever taken. In doing so, I recognize now that there is a myriad of situations that I encounter both professionally and personally on a regular basis. The difference is that when you fail- you’re left with two options. You can either make the failure productive and useful, learning from it, or you can render it an unproductive failure. An unproductive failure is the essence of being stuck, stagnant, and refusing to move outside the limits of your comfort. It’s really a decision. I learned that I didn’t have to be afraid, but that some anxiety is helpful because it allows me to be more alert to potential or perceived threats. In doing so, my perspective changed, and now, I’m wiser for having lived and learned to overcome fear. If I can do it, anyone can do it.

If you’re purposed for it, you are already equipped to handle it.